The First Wave
Marilyn and I have lost three close family friends over the past few months, all female, all leaving behind a loving husband, children and grandchildren. All were in their late 70s and all had been unwell for some time so it wasn’t a total surprise but nonetheless upsetting.
This experience, a convergence of sorrow in such a short time, reminds us of a profound truth: grief is a universal, yet deeply personal, journey. Even when we know a loss is coming, the finality of it can knock the wind out of us. There’s a strange mix of emotions that can be difficult to navigate. You might feel a sense of relief that your loved one is no longer in pain, immediately followed by a wave of guilt for feeling that relief. You might feel profound sadness one moment and a surprising numbness the next.
If you are navigating a recent loss, please know this: whatever you are feeling is valid. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Understanding the Initial Impact
In the early days and weeks following a loss, it’s common to feel as though you’re in a fog. The world can seem surreal, and everyday tasks might feel monumental. This initial phase of grief often includes a range of powerful emotions:
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Shock and Disbelief: Even with an expected passing, accepting the reality that someone is truly gone takes time. You might find yourself expecting them to call or walk through the door.
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Pain and Sadness: The sorrow can be overwhelming, bringing with it feelings of emptiness, loneliness, and a deep yearning for the person you’ve lost. Crying is a natural and healthy release for this pain.
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Anger and Guilt: You might feel angry at the illness, at doctors, or even at the person for leaving you. It’s also common to grapple with “what ifs” and “if onlys,” replaying final conversations and wondering if you could have done more.
These feelings are not signs of weakness; they are the normal, human response to losing someone you care about. Grief is not a linear process with a clear beginning, middle, and end. It’s more like waves on an ocean—sometimes calm, and other times, the swells are powerful and unpredictable.
Gentle First Steps in Coping
While there is no rushing the grieving process, there are ways to care for yourself as you move through these initial, difficult stages. The most important thing is to be patient and compassionate with yourself.
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Acknowledge Your Feelings: Don’t try to suppress your pain or put on a brave face for others. Allow yourself to cry, to be angry, to be sad. Acknowledging your emotions is the first step toward processing them.
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Lean on Your People: While you may feel like withdrawing, accepting support from friends and family can be a crucial lifeline. Let people help with practical things like meals or errands. Sometimes, just having someone sit with you in silence is comfort enough.
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Prioritize Basic Self-Care: Grief is emotionally and physically exhausting. Do your best to get some rest, drink plenty of water, and eat small, regular meals, even if you don’t have an appetite. A short walk can also do wonders for both your body and mind.
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Postpone Major Decisions: The period immediately following a loss is not the time to make significant life changes, such as selling your home or making major financial decisions. Give yourself the gift of time to think more clearly.
Losing someone reshapes your world, and it’s okay to feel lost for a while. You’ve taken the first step simply by acknowledging the depth of your loss.
We invite you to share your own experiences or words of support in the comments below. Your story could be a source of comfort for a fellow member navigating a similar path.
In our next article, we will explore more long-term coping strategies to help navigate the ongoing journey of grief and the challenge of adjusting to a new reality.
Warmly,
Bill and Marilyn
Founders of Canadian Senior Moment