Holiday Hosting Without the Stress Part 6

The First Holiday Without Them

Hi there, and welcome back to Your Canadian Senior Moment!

We’ve spent five episodes talking about how to navigate holiday hosting—from simplifying traditions to setting boundaries, from practical logistics to stepping back when hosting becomes too much. But today, we need to talk about the grief that makes all of that feel impossible: what happens when the holidays arrive and the person who made them meaningful is gone.

Maybe you’ve lost your spouse of 50 years. Maybe it’s your sister who you always celebrated with. Maybe it’s your best friend who understood your family dynamics. Maybe it’s your adult child who wasn’t supposed to die before you did.

And now it’s November, everyone around you is talking about holiday plans, and you’re wondering how you’re supposed to pretend everything is normal when your world has shattered.

If you’re facing your first holiday season without someone who mattered deeply, this is for you. No platitudes. No toxic positivity. Just honest acknowledgment of how brutal this can be, and what actually helps.

Why Holidays Amplify Grief

Grief is hard every single day. But holidays? Holidays turn the volume up to unbearable levels.

Here’s why:

The entire culture demands joy. Everyone expects you to be festive, grateful, celebratory. Store decorations, cheerful music, neighbours’ light displays—it’s all shouting “BE HAPPY!” when you feel anything but.

Traditions were built around that person. You can’t make the turkey without remembering how they always fought you about the stuffing. You can’t set the table without seeing the empty chair. You can’t sing the songs you sang together.

Everyone else seems fine. Your family might be sad, but they’re moving forward with holiday plans. Meanwhile, you feel like you’re drowning while everyone else is ice skating.

The “firsts” are brutal. First Thanksgiving without them. First Christmas morning. First New Year’s Eve when they’re not there to kiss at midnight. Every milestone screams their absence.

You’re expected to “get through it.” Well-meaning people tell you “they’d want you to be happy” or “try to focus on good memories” or “celebrate for them.” None of this helps. It just makes you feel guilty for grieving.

Here’s the OHH moment: you’re not crazy. Grief during the holidays IS harder. Anyone who’s experienced it knows exactly what you’re going through, even if they can’t find the words to say so.

The Empty Chair

Let’s talk about the thing nobody wants to acknowledge: there’s a literal or figurative empty space where that person should be.

At the dinner table. In the kitchen cooking beside you. On the couch watching movies. On the phone comparing what you’re each making. Sitting in “their” chair that nobody else dares occupy.

You have a few options, and none of them feels right:

Acknowledge the empty chair: Some families put out a place setting, light a candle, display a photo. This can feel comforting or unbearably painful depending on the day and the person.

Don’t acknowledge it at all: Some families carry on as if nothing has changed, filling the gap quickly, reassigning seats. This can feel like relief or like erasure.

Talk about it openly: “This is hard. We all miss Dad. It’s okay to be sad today.” This can create space for authentic grief or make some family members uncomfortable.

There’s no right answer. You might try one approach this year and do something completely different next year. You’re allowed to change your mind.

What you’re probably feeling (and it’s all valid):

Devastated that they’re not here
Angry at them for leaving (even though they didn’t choose to)
Guilty if you laugh or enjoy anything
Resentful toward people who still have their person
Numb, like you’re watching your life from outside yourself
Terrified of breaking down in front of everyone
Exhausted from pretending you’re okay

All of it. Any of it. It’s all part of grief, and none of it means you’re doing it wrong.

The Traditions That Now Hurt

You and they had rituals. Maybe it was:

Watching specific movies together every Christmas Eve
Their special dish that nobody else could make quite right
Shopping together for grandkids’ gifts
Attending midnight mass as a couple
The way you always opened presents youngest to oldest
Their terrible jokes during dinner that everyone groaned at but secretly loved
The phone call every Sunday during December planning everything

Now those traditions are minefields. Do you keep doing them and feel the absence acutely? Or abandon them and feel like you’re erasing the person?

Some approaches that might help:

Modify, don’t eliminate: Keep the tradition but change it slightly. Watch the movie with their photo nearby. Make their special dish as a tribute. Shop for gifts but dedicate one to charity in their name.

Let others carry it forward: If they always carved the turkey, let someone else do it this year. It’ll be different, but the tradition continues.

Take a year off: Some traditions might be too painful this first year. That’s okay. You can revisit them later when (if) you’re ready.

Create a new tribute tradition: Light a candle in their memory. Share favourite stories about them during dinner. Make a donation to their favourite cause. Visit their grave or scatter ashes somewhere meaningful.

Abandon what doesn’t serve you: Not every tradition needs to continue. If something causes more pain than comfort, you’re allowed to let it go.

When Family Members Want Different Things

Here’s where it gets complicated: you might need to skip the holiday entirely while your adult children want to carry on normally. Or you might want to talk about the person who died while everyone else wants to avoid the topic. Or siblings might disagree about whether to keep Dad’s traditions or create new ones.

Grief is individual. There’s no collective “right way” for a family to navigate this.

What helps:

Name it early: “I need us to talk about how we’re handling Thanksgiving this year without Mom. I know we might all need different things.”

Be honest about your limits: “I’m not sure I can handle a big gathering this year. I might need to keep it small or not attend.”

Respect that others are grieving differently: Your child might cope by staying busy and keeping traditions exactly the same. You might need to change everything. Both are valid.

Find compromises when possible: “How about we keep the main dinner tradition but skip the big evening party this year?”

Give yourself permission to opt out: If the family wants a big celebration and you need quiet, you’re allowed to say “I can’t this year. Please go ahead without me.”

You cannot manage everyone else’s grief while drowning in your own. Do what you need to survive this first season.

Well-Meaning People Who Make It Worse

Brace yourself. People are going to say things that are supposed to be comforting but actually make you want to scream.

Things people say (and why they don’t help):

“They’d want you to be happy.” – Maybe, but I’m not happy and I don’t have to be.

“At least you had 50 good years together.” – The length doesn’t make losing them easier.

“They’re in a better place.” – They’re not HERE, which is where I need them.

“You need to move on.” – I’m grieving, not stuck.

“Focus on happy memories.” – The happy memories make me cry because they’re over.

“Everything happens for a reason.” – No. Just no.

“You’re so strong.” – I don’t want to be strong. I want them back.

What actually helps (if anything):

“This must be so hard.”
“I’m thinking of you.”
“There’s no right way to get through this.”
“I’m here if you need anything—or if you need nothing.”
“It’s okay to not be okay.”

Most people genuinely want to help but don’t know how. You’re allowed to nod politely at their platitudes and then ignore them.

Your Options for This First Holiday Season

You don’t have to do what you’ve always done. You have choices, and none of them are wrong.

Option 1: Carry on with traditions (modified)

Attend family gatherings but give yourself permission to leave early or step outside when overwhelmed
Participate in some traditions but skip the ones that are too painful
Let yourself cry when you need to, even in front of others
Create small ways to honour the person who’s missing

Option 2: Drastically simplify or skip entirely

Decline all invitations and spend the day quietly at home
Take a trip somewhere completely different to avoid painful comparisons
Treat it like any other day and don’t force celebration
Spend it with one trusted friend who understands

Option 3: Create entirely new traditions

Volunteer somewhere (grief often feels lighter when helping others)
Spend the holiday with other people who are grieving (you’re not alone)
Do something you’ve always wanted to try but never did
Honour the person by doing what THEY loved, not what tradition demands

Option 4: Mix and match

Attend Thanksgiving dinner but skip the evening gathering
Celebrate Christmas Eve but stay home Christmas Day
See family but only for a few hours
Participate in some traditions, create new ones, skip others entirely

The only rule is: do what you can handle, and nothing more.

The Guilt of Enjoying Anything

Here’s something nobody warns you about: if you laugh at a joke during dinner, you might immediately feel guilty. If you enjoy the pie, you might feel like you’re betraying their memory. If you have one good moment, you might panic that you’re “getting over” them.

This is normal. This is grief playing tricks on you.

The truth:

Enjoying a moment doesn’t mean you’ve stopped grieving
Laughing doesn’t dishonour their memory
Having one good day doesn’t mean you’ve moved on
You can miss them desperately AND appreciate being with family
Grief and gratitude can coexist

You’re not choosing between honouring them and living your life. You’re learning to hold both at the same time.

Why the Second and Third Holiday Can Be Harder

Everyone expects the first holiday without them to be the worst. And it is brutal. But here’s what nobody tells you: the second and third holidays can be even harder.

Why?

The first year, everyone’s paying attention. People check on you. The grief is fresh and acknowledged. You’re in shock and just surviving.

The second year, everyone expects you to be “better.” The sympathy has faded. People think you should be “over it” by now. But the shock has worn off and the permanence has set in. They’re really gone. Forever. This is your life now.

The third year can be worse still because you realize this is just how it is. There’s no getting back to “normal.” This IS normal now.

If subsequent holidays are harder than the first, you’re not failing at grief. You’re experiencing a very common pattern. Be gentle with yourself.

Practical Survival Strategies

Before the holiday:

Decide early what you can and can’t handle (and communicate this clearly)
Plan an escape route if you attend gatherings (your own car, a supportive person who’ll leave with you)
Have a grief support person you can text when you’re struggling
Lower your expectations to “survive” not “enjoy”
Stock up on whatever helps you cope (tissues, comfort food, distractions)

During the holiday:

Give yourself permission to leave, cry, not participate, or change your mind
Have a task if that helps you feel less adrift (bringing a dish, setting the table)
Take breaks when you need them (bathroom, outside, car, anywhere)
Let people know if you need to talk about the person or need everyone to stop talking about them
Remember you don’t owe anyone a performance of being okay

After the holiday:

Don’t judge yourself for how you handled it
Rest and recover (grief is exhausting)
Reach out for support if you’re struggling
Remember that next year might be different (better or worse)
Be proud of yourself for getting through it

When Professional Help Is Needed

Grief is not a mental illness. Sadness during the holidays after losing someone is completely normal. But sometimes grief becomes something more serious.

Seek professional help if:

You’re having thoughts of self-harm or suicide
You can’t function in basic daily tasks for extended periods
You’re self-medicating with alcohol or drugs
The grief is getting worse instead of gradually shifting
You’re completely isolated and have no support
You’re experiencing panic attacks, severe depression, or anxiety that interferes with life

Grief counsellors, therapists, and support groups exist specifically for this. Using them isn’t weakness—it’s wisdom.

For Those Spending the Holiday Alone

If you’re facing the holidays completely alone—no family gathering to attend, no invitations, just you and the absence of the person you lost—this is uniquely difficult.

Some things that might help:

Structure your day: Don’t let it be a formless void. Plan specific activities, even simple ones (watch these movies, cook this meal, call these people).

Connect virtually: Video calls with distant family or friends, online grief support groups, even social media can provide some connection.

Find others in similar situations: Many communities have gatherings specifically for people spending holidays alone or grieving.

Volunteer: Serving others can give purpose to a difficult day and connect you with people.

Give yourself permission to do nothing: If you need to stay in pyjamas, eat cereal for dinner, and ignore that it’s a holiday, that’s valid too.

Create a ritual: Light a candle, look through photos, write them a letter, visit their grave, or do anything that honours both them and your grief.

You’re not pathetic for being alone. You’re dealing with an enormous loss during a culturally difficult time.

A Message to Family and Friends of the Grieving

If someone you know is facing their first holiday without their person:

Don’t:

Tell them to “be strong” or “try to be happy”
Expect them to participate like normal
Avoid mentioning the person who died (they’re thinking about them anyway)
Be offended if they decline invitations or leave early
Compare their grief to yours or anyone else’s

Do:

Acknowledge that this is hard: “I know this Thanksgiving is different without Jim”
Invite them but don’t pressure them to attend
Check in before, during, and after the holiday
Be okay with tears, sadness, and silence
Include memories of the person if appropriate: “Remember when she…?”
Offer specific help: “Can I bring you dinner on Christmas?” not “Let me know if you need anything”

Your friend/parent/sibling isn’t trying to ruin the holidays. They’re trying to survive them.

The Bottom Line

The first holiday season without someone you love is brutal. There’s no way to sugar-coat it. It will be hard. You will cry. You might feel like you can’t make it through.

But here’s what we know: thousands of people have walked this path before you. They survived their first Thanksgiving without their spouse. They made it through Christmas without their sister. They endured New Year’s without their best friend.

Some days they barely survived. Some days were surprisingly okay. Most days were a confusing mix of both.

You’ll find your way through too. Not because you’re strong or because “time heals all wounds” or because they’d want you to be happy. But because you’ll do what grieving people do: you’ll take it one moment at a time, you’ll cry when you need to, you’ll accept help when it’s offered, and you’ll forgive yourself for however you manage to get through it.

There’s no right way to do this. There’s only your way.

And your way is good enough.

Our Shared Wisdom

Have you navigated a first holiday season without someone you loved? What helped you get through it? What do you wish people had understood? What advice would you give to someone facing this now?

Your experience might be exactly what another grieving person needs to hear.

A Final Thought

Next week, we’ll return to lighter topics. But if you’re reading this while grieving, please know: you’re not alone, you’re not doing it wrong, and you will eventually find your way to a life that includes both their absence and moments of light.

Until then, be impossibly gentle with yourself.

Warmly,
Bill and Marilyn
Founders of Canadian Senior Moment

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